5 things that you shouldn’t say to someone taking Shared Parental Leave

I have been working for almost 12 years now.

When I started, Shared Parental Leave (SPL) did not exist.

Unfortunately figures shows that even now this remains just an option on paper with only 1% of families using this instrument in 2017/18.

The reasons for that are multiple, but the main one is probably cultural and I strongly believe that the language which is used around parental leave has a big impact.

I have now gone through two pregnancies and collected feedbacks from several new and expectant parents and managers. Here are the top 5 things we should avoid when referring to parental leave.

1- "You can’t take additional responsibilities now because you will be off"

The moment someone says that they are going to take SPL, people may start excluding them from any medium to long term discussions. There may be a period when they will only live in the short term, want it or not.

Except that they may not be actually off for another 6 months or more and they may have no intentions to put their professional involvement, development and ambitions on hold for so long.

TIP: if someone is telling you that they are going to take SPL, ask, don't assume. Don't pretend you know how their approach to work is changing or will change as a result of their choice. An open and honest conversation and a shared plan can go a long way in terms of employee's satisfaction, engagement and retention.

And remember that SLP will feel much longer, if you start counting from the moment you are told, instead of when the person is actually off.

We are all going to work for several decades. 6 months or even a year are unlikely to make a significant difference in people's careers. However how they are perceived can make a difference between a successful and an unsuccessful relationship.

2- "Why should we improve the ways you do your job?! You are off shortly, right?!"

This is another, more subtle and informal side of the same coin.

Why should we make the investment of improving an employee's working conditions (e.g. buy a new device, change working arrangement etc) before they go on SPL?!

The very simple answer is: because they are the same valuable employees they have always been. They will be contributing to the business objectives until the day their SPL starts and we want them to do that in the most efficient way.

TIP: When you take any decision and discuss any working arrangement which involves someone who is about to go on SPL, remember that they are working and they are going to come back to work in just a few months time.

The business will benefit from any improvement in productivity both in the short and in the long term.

And you want the employee to want to come back, feel motivated and engaged.

Chances are that any additional resource will also benefit people covering the role during their parental leave, so the investment will not sit unused at all.

3- "You can ONLY do x in this period"

It is inevitably true that setting up people's objectives needs to take into account the amount of time they have available to deliver those objectives.

This is not different when you set up business objectives for 1 year (usual lifecycle of performance management in most big companies) or for a few months, when a person has a SPL planned.

TIP: If you are a manager or working with a colleague who will take SPL in the coming months, sit down with them and discuss what the highest priorities for the team and the business are and how they can contribute in the time they have available.

Do not underestimate or undermine the amount of work that they can do, just be realistic.

Treat those months as any other period to be planned, not something less than what it should be.

4- "Enjoy this break because it is the only opportunity you will have to be out of the office for so long!"

This is usually phrased in a subtle "you are going on a long holiday" kind of way.

Parents can easily tell anyone that the life with a newborn is quite far from a relaxed holiday when you can just chill out on a beach. In addition to that some parents may have to take more time off than others for the most various reasons and they may have to face more difficult situations.

People take time off work for sabbatical, develop a side project, look after their health etc. People who happen to be parents take time off work to develop a project which is called supporting their children in the very first months of their life.

TIP: frame SPL as a busy long leave, take the time to discuss what this mean for the person, what is important to them and why they are asking for that.

You don't need to go too much into the personal details, but understand people's motivations will help you planning for and managing the SPL period.

Above all, keep it professional: people are entitled to freely decide how they want to structure their time during their SPL, your role is to discuss and agree how transitions out and back in the office will be managed. E.g. people may want to come in the office more or less frequently and they are all equally valuable options.

5- "Take it easy" (mainly for women)

There is a fine line between the duty of care that an employer has for an expectant mother and a patronising suggestion to slow down "because now you have more important things to care about".

Personally I have always thought that my health and safety are as important when I was pregnant as they are the rest of the time. I am a responsible adult for myself and I was one for my unborn child in any circumstances.

I have also encountered several mothers who care a lot about the health and safety of their pregnancy all without changing their priorities in life and still caring a lot about work.

TIP: do not push your duty of care too far. Again, do not make assumptions and just ask. Take an empathic approach and take the time to actively listen and understand the individual's perspective and how they live motherhood.

In the end some of this language may come from an unconscious bias and some from a genuine concern for the person.

What is important is to recognise that the way we talk about parental leave is highly filtered through the lenses of our own personal story, beliefs and feelings.

Awareness is the first and fundamental step to achieve inclusion and the single, most powerful strategy to apply is "Ask, don't assume"

FINAL NOTE: I have intentionally referred to SPL in this post because I believe it is important to equally mindful of the language we use when talking to a mother or a father.

On one side maternity leave has been repeatedly demonstrated to have a negative impact on women's career and the more we can break this circle the better will be for diversity.

On the other side a father who takes SPL is actively making something which will improve gender equality both for the business and the wider society and people should be encouraged and recognised as a role model for that.